destroyed and destroying. Thy will be done.

disclaimer:wrote all of this on different days, so it might not make too much sense. BUT just some thoughts that have been running through my head. 

Well I’ve been at the world race for almost 2 weeks now and man, can I tell you it feels like I’ve been here for 4 months. My last blog I talked about my heart being destroyed, and honestly at a complete lack of excitement. So with that being said, I decided to destroy my bible. I know, that doesn’t sound good, but oh Lord, thank you. I’ll be honest it’s so hard being here, and as the days continue it doesn’t get easier. Do I feel the joy of the Lord? Yes. Do I feel at peace with being here? Absolutely. Do I know this is where the Lord is calling me? Of course. Do I really dislike being here?…yeah I do. But ya know what I’ve learned? I’ll never feel alone if I’m walking in obedience with Jesus. I have never felt closer to God then ever, and because of that I am once again In awe of Him. My reliance on God has become a NEED and a WANT. The combination of the two is something I’ve never felt. God knows my heart, and has blessed me in so many ways. A heart that never wanted to step foot into missions, is becoming a heart that desires the Lords will over mine. Am I there yet? Absolutely not, I still don’t wanna be here. But the cool part is I’m seeing the Lord work. Not just in my life but the lives at home, and here. The Lord is so clearly blessing me for walking in obedience, but I pray I never consider this a sacrifice for the Savior of the world. Because nothing I do could ever be a holy enough sacrifice to Him. But instead, just the act of being available for what ever He has in store. God has been clearly showing me the heart of worship. That even when I feel like what I’m doing is pointless, it’s all for His glory. That waiting on the Lord is a command and not a suggestion for the people who want to enhance righteousness. God thank you for answering my prayers. Continue to change my heart and my desires. Lord, even when all is stripped away, may I bless your name, and bring it back to you always. I’ve been realizing the need for prayer, because when distance is so far the only thing and best thing I can do is pray, and I ask you all do the same for me. Because oh man, I need all the prayers I can get. For real. As I wake up in the mornings it’s easy to forget that God’s mercies are mew every morning. But Jesus has made it very clear to me that suffering is actually such a cool thing. I know I sound crazy, but if you think about it the definition of suffering is Jesus. He is the ultimate suffer. So in a way suffering makes us relate the smallest bit to Jesus. Isn’t that kinda cool. This week Jesus reminded me He feels my pain “my soul weeps because of grief; strength me according to your word. Remove the false ways from me, and graciously grant me Your law. I have chosen the faithful way; I have placed your ordinances before me. I cling to your testimonies; o Lord, do not put me to shame! I shall run the way of your commandments, for you will enlarge my heart”(Psalms 119:28-32). Can I just say what the heck. When I read this I was like woah God you see me. Because throughout all of that passage, was a thought that came to my head this week. 

 

I’m so broken, please make me strong. 

I don’t want to be taught false ways, guide me please 

I’m going to follow you no matter what 

I’ll believe what you say and what you have taught me 

But please don’t leave me 

I will continue in your ways, because I KNOW you will grow me and my desire for you. 

 

Yeah, so that cleared up a lot of things. Jesus is with me, and because of that nothing else matters…I guess. Still hard to really understand, and I still don’t know why I’m here, but maybe one day I will. “My purpose will be established. And I will accomplish all my good pleasure; calling a bird of prey from the east, the man My purpose from a far country. Truly I have spoken; truly I will bring it to pass. I have planned it, surely I will do it” (Isaiah 46:10-11). 

 

But thank you Jesus I know your holding my hand the whole way. 

“I am the Lord, I have called you in righteousness, I will also hold you by the hand and watch over you, and I will appoint You as a covenant to the people, as a light to the nations” (Isaiah 42:6). 

 

So for now, I’ll wait on You 

“Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary” (Isaiah 40:31). 

 

“When you did awesome things which we did not expect, You came down, the mountains quaked at your presence. For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear, nor has the eye seen a God besides You, who acts in behalf of the one who waits for him” (Isaiah 64:3-4). 

 

Lord I know there is so much more your teaching me. Teach us all of your goodness, even when it feels distant or close. Help us to be content and full of your presence, even in a situation we don’t desire. Change our desires…please change my desires. I want you and only you. Continue to reveal Yourself to us. Make good disciples of us. Help us to worship you even in the waiting. Please renew us. Build our trust and faith. Help us to wrestle with who you are, and give us answers. Help us to share one another’s burdens and excitements, all for You. Purify us, and always bring all the glory back to your name. Jesus, the days are long, but your goodness is worth the wait. Remind me of that. Help me to worship while I wait. 

 

I wrote these blog throughout the week and man oh man it’s still sad. Waking up with the rain on the tent would normally be my favorite, but for some reason not here. The reality is the rain reminds me of home. It reminds me of running in the rain, and playing muggy soccer. It reminds me that the sun will shine, and a warm cup of coffee is calling my name. It reminds me of dancing in the rain, and being the weirdo that loves to jump in puddles with kids. But here it reminds me of Jesus crying. It reminds me that sorrow is real, and grief is a strong emotion. But sorrow doesn’t over take joy. Because joy is rooted in the Word of the Lord, and cannot be be overtaken for sorrow. Is this the saddest week of my life yet? Yes, but the Lord is working. So please pray. Miss my people always, but every step of the way God is greater. 

 

Pray for 

Joy 

A heart of worship 

that missing people will be turned into a heart of gratitude

And for sorrow to be completely exchanged for love and purpose while being here. 

 

so at the end of the day if destroying my heart and destroying my bible, destroys me for the will of the Lord, ”thy will be done“. 

 

2 Corinthians 2:4 “for out of much affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not so that you would be made sorrowful, but that you might know the love which I have especially for you”. 

 

Okay I know, I sound like a potato, but the reality is God won’t let be a mashed potato. Heck no brother, He is rebuilding, so french fries here I come. (Jesus has better plans, and although it sounds rough at the moment, I’m holding on to His promises, and very excited to look back and see Him moving). 

 

(Also writing all my blogs from my iPhone, so they might be a little wack).