I am so sorry this is so long, I did not mean to write a book. I am sure this is way too much information, but I've been postponing this post...so here ya go! 

     Well….it's been a while hasn't it? What's cooking? Alright, I'm not gonna beat around the bush, this is going to be by far the hardest blog I've had to write, but I pray that this is the biggest encouragement to someone. So as you read that I pray that you read it with eyes that look to glorify Jesus, and ears that listen to the souls that need a savior. So the start of this blog I wrote about a month ago but was too prideful to ever post it. I hand wrote it, and kept it for myself, hiding it from the public to read. But what is the point of that? Jesus did not put me on this earth to have a heart of pride, but a heart that only boasts in the Lord, so I pray that is what you take from this story. 

In You alone, my joy is found                                                                                        July 13th, 2021 

      What do you want to be remembered for? I know this is a weird kinda uncozy question to think about, but recently I've been thinking about it, and have been curious as to why I want to be remembered for the things I thought. I started to wonder when our human mindset switched from living our best lives for Jesus to just trying to survive the next day? When did our society stop living out our purpose to just continue doing everyday traditions? Being stuck in the same cycle can very easily slip into complacency, loneliness, lack of motivation/purpose, all because we so easily distract ourselves and forget the only reason for existing….Jesus (don't worry I do it too...A LOT). Have you ever felt like you just wanted someone to hold you? (I know I'm asking a lot of questions today, but just some food for thought). Have you ever felt like what is the point of being here? That maybe the pain of life would never end? I ask you that because I have felt this way, and wanted to remind you that following the Lord is hard, especially when you just want Him to hold you, but you can't see Him. My favorite topic to focus on is having joy, but what if you're lacking joy? In this world, many people lack joy and are so easily overtaken by the darkness of the world. But can I tell you something that I am still learning, no one will ever care for you like Jesus. In your darker days, most people avoid you, but you know who never leaves? Jesus. Even when He feels distant, He’s right there holding you. Even when it feels too dark and lonely to call on him, cry out to Him. Because in Him alone my joy is found. So what do I want to be remembered for? That even in the stormy, gloomy days, my joy is found in Him. That He is my roaring ocean and my upper room. Because Jesus says “I am the light of the world; he who follows me will not walk in the darkness but will have the light of life” (John 8:12). Because even in your dark days Jesus cares, the most and He will be your light. Pure joy isn't given from man but in his arms. Everyone has/will come across a day when they lack purpose and find themselves with no joy in continuing, but can I tell you, you're not alone. Even happy people get sad, and God sees you, He cares for you, and He wants you to call on Him. Even when you feel guilty and unworthy, He still is waiting on you. Okay, I'm done with my ted talk. I just felt compelled to share my heart (didn't want to but to God be the glory). 

August 5, 2021 

Alrighty here's a quick intermission, kinda funny how I felt like God wanted me to share this but yet I did not. People always tell me that my obedience is admirable, but LOL little do they know the debates I have with God every day. Child-like faith is something I'm still working on. If I thought that blog was hard to write, just wait till the end it gets harder. So here goes nothing. Last warning, and then I'm done stalling, but this blog is going to be potato (meaning there is not one part of me that wants to write this but it has to be done, so I'm praying it is taken with understanding hearts). 

As I felt shame to share the darker side of my daily life with Jesus, it's time to bring that darkness to light so there ya go. But you know what the main theme I've been learning is? God's goodness never stops. He's so good I would relive all the darkness just to see Him so clear once again. So I never intended to tell the whole world about my weakness because I hate bringing light to topics I do not take pride in, but that's the whole reason I'm writing this. But today I have no choice but to share, so ready for a crazy God story? So going back a few weeks ago I got pretty sick but while I was outwardly ill I also felt spiritually dark. I do not have any idea why, but thank goodness I serve such a big God. So that day I started to read my devotional and it was based on 2 Corinthians 12:9 which says “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” So I then think to myself, wow, God thanks for the reminder. But little did I know that was just the start. So I say to my friend how cool God is when I get to see just a small glimpse of Him and she said “Naomi, when you were in the hospital that was the one verse coming to my mind and the verse I was praying over you”. So with chills in my bones, I am once again in awe of His grace. But then He's not finished. I then felt compelled to tell this story to another friend and after hearing my story, she showed me her devotional the night before, and you know what it was based on? 2 Corinthians 12:9. So at this point I am so freaked out, but in such thanksgiving to the Lord, because He was clearly trying to tell me something. At the time I didn't understand what this verse ment, but all I knew was God's timing is perfect, am I right? So as time continued, it didn't get easier, but He was holding me which was all I asked for. So as it seemed that everyone around me was falling apart the only thing that was my strength and joy was Jesus. And every day I felt this dark cloud, God reminded me to be His light, and you know what God's timing was once again the best, and He revealed Himself in such powerful ways that I could talk about forever but I know I have to wrap up this long tortuous blog. But if you ever wanna talk about how cool Jesus is, He's my favorite topic...so anytime ;). But anyway, Jesus has been showing me that even in weakness, He can be seen, and the only thing worth boasting about is Him. Weakness to me is one of my biggest insecurities and fears, but if people see Jesus through my weakness, may I always be weak in the Lord, this is why I'm writing this. So the main point of this long long blog...if you want you can just fast forward to this because I know this is way too long-winded. So today marks 37 days till my squad and the world race launch, and ya know what that is very soon. But can I tell you what it took to get here? Some of the worst days of my life, but Jesus has never walked so close to me so if that is what it takes to experience God so clearly I pray to always be obedient even if I do not want to. So you all know that getting me to go on this trip broke my heart in many ways, but I have watched God transform me into a different person. A person that was given peace about going, a person who loves all the people on the squad, and a person who cannot wait to meet the children in Africa. Every day, my excitement grew more and more. Because this trip allowed me to experience God more than I ever had, I am ready. But can I tell you that it took a freaking long time to get to that point.  A lot of sleepless nights, doubts, and fears, were all replaced with trust, peace, and God's goodness. So with that being said, I know God intended this year for me, I just don't understand the outcome just yet. But with that being said I would not take any of it back. But here's the catch, there has been a plot twist to the plan in my head, but not in God's plan. With a broken heart, full of disappointment, my time is not yet. Jesus has more for me in the United States at the moment. My weakness has to be brought to life before I am sent. It's kinda crazy because I only met my squad once, but the amount of love I have for all of them is not for nothing. Jesus taught me that I can love people who are so different from me and that there is power in prayer. That even if I cannot be on the field with them I can be here fighting the spiritual battle with them. So I'm sure you are asking why? And the simple answer is, I'm still sick. I know it's a bummer. I hate that too, but with health complications, I won't be able to get the treatment I need in other countries. And it's crazy because it's all in God's good plan, way better than I can see. Okay, real talk, it is one of the most disappointing things to plan for something for almost a year, and all in one day is taken away. But just because my plan on pursuing the Lord in three different countries changed, doesn't mean that pursuing the Lord so intentionally does. Not at all, because every day I will be asking God why, but thanking Jesus for what you have taught me. Now I do not know what exactly this means if I will be going next year or not. But all I do know is God does know, it gives me so much comfort knowing my future is not in my hands but His. 

The story is not over                                                                                  August 15, 2021 

Oh. my. goddess. if you made it this far, I'm sure you're so overreading this...but can I just tell you GOD IS SO GOOD. Little did I know this was all a part of the plan of true faith. Faith is unseen and unpredictable, and that is exactly what I've been undergoing. This past week, I went to another doctor's appointment, to which I did not see a point too, and seemed like just another person, to tell me they don't know why I'm losing blood, and why my hemoglobin level was at 6.8 (supposed to be 12-14). But can I just say, Jesus is so cool. As I walked into the doctors, I felt like God was about to pull a miracle. The doctor decided to take my blood one more time to see if I had gotten any better, but with little hope in the room, my hope was more than ever. You all know I've been struggling with wanting to go into missions, but for some reason, I was so determined on God pulling a miracle it changed my whole outlook. And with the doctor coming back with my results my number was a 12 !!!! God had bigger plans for me again...because a few weeks ago I was about to have to postpone going on this trip, but once again God showed me He is Jehovah-Jireh, the provider. Because there is true power in prayer, and God hears you, sees you, and loves you. His ways are better than ours, and because of that, the crazy life we live is all in his loving, caring arms. “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask” (Matthew 7:11). So all I'm saying is, Follow God's voice because He will care for you, and bless you :) Also, I'll be seeing the children in Africa after all, because the devil has nothing on God’s plans for my life. Because He came to heal the sick not the healthy...ya know what I mean? ;). So Jokes on the darkness, because I've got God on my side, and He's taking me across the world, to show His light and goodness. All through Christ, it can be done. As my trust continues to grow, my prayer is that the people I love at home that their faith and trust also grows more and more. That as my team and I leave our homes and comforts to pursue the Lord more intentionally, that my people do the same. That New Jersey when I come home is more on fire for the Lord than ever. That as I leave Jesus comes closer and He stays, and darkness fades because His love is greater than all our ups and downs. 

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence, there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Psalms 16:11).