The uncozyness of sitting down

Hola party people!! Another blog in a Spanish speaking country so get ready for my Spanglish!! (Only kidding I only speak bad English). 

Some of you might know at the moment I’m in Ecuador, working at a camp called “El Refugio” with just four other girls. Anyway, if you want a day to day I’ll fill ya in but that’s the boring stuff compared to what the Lord has been teaching me. 

Sit down, this might take awhile to read. I always start my blogs with “only read if you have time to spare”, but what I’ve learned is that is such a New Jerseien (a person from New Jersey) way of thinking. In America and honestly especially New Jersey it’s always GO GO GO. There are many things to do, and people to be helping. I filled/fill my days with good things, planning events, working, volunteering, friends, church, missions, all to find myself missing the point. SERVICE. My identity has always been placed behind my service, how much can I offer? How much can I give? How much can I serve? How much time can I spare? I’m sure some of you think the same. My love language is acts of service, so without serving I feel helpless. I justified it in my mind by Romans 7 when Paul talks about spiritual gifts and says “if it is serving, let him serve”. I read that and think okay, praise God the Lord has called me to this. I mean look at me I’m on a 9 months missions trip because I know my purpose is to serve. IM SO WRONG. praise God that He is allowing me to see this and hopefully you too. Here I have found myself, still not feeling like I’m doing enough. I actually feel so guilty. In my mind everything I do is NEVER enough for the savior of the world. Praise God that He speaks, because I was starting to feel like this world is totally meaningless, but the Lord reminded me of something. Matthew 9:13 “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

The Lord does not what sacrifice!!!! How many times have I done something for the Lord as a sacrifice?? Wake up early, spend time with Him, volunteer at church, clean up after people, give my time to someone I know the Lord is asking me to talk to, all with a heart that low key complains. What the heck?? I missed the whole point. Cleaning the dishes, just because you know the Lord would want you to but what a terrible heart is missing the whole point. 

The Lord in Matthew, healed hundreds of people because He had compassion on them. After John the baptized was killed, the Lord was so sad, and most of us would go hide out. BUT instead just when we would have been “peopled out” The Lord saw a crowd and had COMPASSION. When did my heart switch from compassion for others, to just sacrifice for others, how quickly I forget those things aren’t the same. I’ll tell you right now, the Lord sees my heart, and it is wrong. 

Mary and Martha prime examples. I am for sure Martha. I work hard, give everything, sacrifice it all and almost always to miss the point. The Lord asks us to sit with Him, to be so in awe of Him that everything else becomes less important. 

The Lord has asked me to live a life of service, of which is actually an honor. But how quickly my flesh takes it into my own hands, and forgets the sitting at Jesus’ feet. We are on this earth to worship and to sit at our saviors feet, to be so excited by the Lord that each day is just a reflection of that excitement of His goodness. Not how many things I can do for Him. 

I’m gonna be honest, I’m so sick of hearing, “I don’t have time for that” or “I’ll talk to them later, I’m just too tired”. Too much sacrifice not enough savior. I’m saying this out loud for me but if this hits you too praise God. I am not the only one in the world that can help the homeless. I’m not the only one that can give food out to the poor. Saying “No” creates space for others to grow. When I always say yes it’s actually prideful!! Believe it or not, they don’t need you. The Lord has been teaching me to pray for others to rise up. For others to lead, and for others to say yes. I’m gonna be honest being loud and obnoxious always gets me involved in way too much. But the Lord is teaching me to be quiet. I know that’s hard to believe lol but for real. He’s teaching me that actually the most humble thing I can do right now, is pray, and sit at His feet. Sacrifice, will again just be service out of a heart of compassion, but until then I’ll sit at His feet. 

I’m going home soon and you know what I’ve been praying. “Lord show me what you want me to do when I get there”.  Not serving actually gives me Gastroparesis (okay I get it, I’m being a little dramatic) but If I have a moment of stillness I’m uncozy, I actually have convinced myself that napping is sinful, because I’m being useless. I’m a doer, and if your reading this I’m sure you are too. I remember before I left for this trip my sister said “this is gonna be hard for you, because you can’t run, you are going to have to sit and be still”. Oh geese, was she right. I run, physically and mentally. 9 months sounded freeing, and independent, but oh gosh, different then what I thought. Yes, there is so much freedom in Jesus, but I first had to realize how much I truly withhold from Him. Never thought I would say this, but being independent is so prideful. The Lord in the beginning of this race really asked me to be dependent, and I was like oh heck no. Being dependent makes me too vulnerable and honestly even the word grosses me out. But I need to be dependent on Him, being independent sets you with a mind so separated and distant from Him and geese, that’s why I so quickly independently “serve Him”. So no matter what’s at home waiting for me, I know the Lord will be there. So either sitting or serving, I will praise Him, with a heart of Mary. 

The Lord is no joke asking me to sit at his feet. I’m gonna ask you the same. Please pray, for time to sit at His feet. This world is so meaningless without Him. I’m praying strong conviction over our lives, so if your reading this lol I pray the Lord is moving in your heart. Life is busy, but how awkward would it be if we got to heaven and Jesus was too busy to open the gate? Matthew 7:21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” THE WILL, we must be doing the Will of the father. Please ask the Lord what His will is for your life, because I’m telling you it’s not filling your days with “good things” and little time for Him. It simply is not. 

I’ve been feeling strong conviction lately, so if this feels harsh, take it up with God lol. But we miss a key point in the Bible, if we aren’t followers of God, we are of the world, or we are of the evil one. There is a clear divide between the two. How has America made the lines so blurred. Why can I not tell who loves the Lord or not? When I see us walk out of church, why do we look like the world? Why do we do things the world does? knowing the word and not acting on it and oh, man, am I guilty of that.  

Hebrews 11:16 wrecked me “But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them”. Here God is talking about His beloved (Moses, Abraham, Isaac etc.) but how often is God embarrassed to call me His child?? Oh geese, I never want that again. I pray to never look like the world, but to be so sold out and weird for His glory. To sit with Him knowing He’s the only One that matters and to use my hair to wipe His feet. To carry my cross, and die for Him daily, because I can no longer walk a blurred line, it is embarrassing. 

So I’m not gonna apologize anymore for the offensiveness of the gospel. I’m not going to only speak of the good things, but share the reality of the Christ following faith. It’s not “Christianity” or going to church it’s the heart of sitting, and serving in His love that makes us different. 

I fight/strive for His attention because I know I make Him fight for mine. I’m done making the Lord sit me down, and calm my sprit to be with Him. It’s time to sit, and give my undivided attention to Him in all things. 

Pray for conviction, steadfastness, pray for continual search of the Lord, pray to have a heart of praise, and to see His faithfulness in all things. Because I’ll tell you for sure that’s what I need prayer for lol. 

It’s spiritually really dark here, and the evil one is at work, but praise the Lord that if the devil one is at work that means the Lord is even closer. 

His love, nomes 🙂 

“Then Mary…poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume”. (John 12:3) 

(this is from my phone, sorry if it’s a little illiterate)